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I had a male friend who had the same job as me, at the same institution, who was file paid more. Instead it was like an obsession and many men were put off by that. Sure, he was such a gentleman and makes sure I am well taken cared for, etc. I wish it was, but black women expect their men to be emotionally strong. This commission comes at no korean men dating black women to you. But ironically, you indirectly expect all Asian men to live up to or be okay with that ideal. The percentage that they have listed up there is only the numbe of RECORDED mixed marages. In my experience they are not. So would they tout insecure dating a black girl. Every single Korean guy has his own personality and taste. Instead, remember that black women, like all people, have varying interests, backgrounds, and obstacles that they face daily.
Hi Christelyn, I hope this message finds you well. My name is Tim and I recently saw a Youtube video you had posted wherein you interviewed Asian men and Black American women in NYC about their thoughts regarding interracial dating and marriage. From there I found your other video to which I am responding. First, I would just like to commend you for the outstanding work you have done and thank you for navigating these issues of race in the way that you do. Before I get to the heart of my response, perhaps I should preface it with a little information about myself. I am a 32 year old Korean American man who was adopted from South Korea when I was nine months old. My dad is of mixed European ancestry and self-identifies as White, and my mom is half Puerto Rican and half Italian and identifies as multi-racial however, she acknowledges that she can oftentimes pass for White and as such does benefit from White privilege. I grew up in a predominantly White area and was one of the only Asian American students for the entirety of my grammar and high school career. During and after college, I have maintained a diverse group of friends and have had the good fortune to travel to various places in Asia including a two year stint in Korea and Taiwan, as well as less extensive periods in Hong Kong, Japan, and mainland China. Moreover, I have dated both intra- and inter-racially with Black women among others and was most recently in a 3 year relationship with a Black American woman who self-identified as such. In short, the main thing that I wanted to say is that there is no reason for Black women to hesitate dating Asian men any more than they would anyone else. Rather than abide by the commonly held belief that conflict may stem from actual differences in culture between members of the respective groups , she instead illustrates how some Koreans are actually influenced by the US mass media to view Black Americans negatively prior to their arrival in this country. I use this example not because I am trying to argue that Koreans or other Asians are in no way prejudiced all by themselves and that those biased ways of seeing things may impede an otherwise decent romantic relationship; rather, I am merely trying to illustrate a degree of complexity to this issue which I feel is oftentimes overlooked. Although it can seem tempting to write Asian men off because they or their families may have racist notions about Black Americans, when we broaden our purview we see that the issue stretches far beyond that of the Asian American community. It is a problem of mass media representation, global cultural and information flows, and a lack of autonomy for people of color including Asians to choose how they are portrayed and for and by whom. The other major concern which I sometimes hear for why Black American and other women may hesitate to consider Asian men as potential partners is that they fear that Asian men are bound by culture, particularly in the form of filial piety. While this may be true for some, I would argue that in general men, regardless of their ethnic or racial background, are given far more freedom to choose their partner than women of the same group. This can be seen throughout history and across cultures as men were encouraged to not only control the sexual rights of women of their own group, but also to garner the rights of those of neighboring groups as well in true imperialistic fashion. What is more, even if this concern were entirely true, its degree of significance would largely depend on how long the family in question had resided in the United States. Chances are if an Asian man is fourth, third, or even second generation, this issue may not prove prohibitive in the least. Thus, I am skeptical that this problem would not be potentially encountered by Black American women dating Greek, Italian, or even Nigerian men whose parents were urging them to do one or both of the above. Before getting into this, I will first state that I am in no way concerned with the Black women or Asian men who genuinely do not find each other sexually attractive for whatever reason. No sense in beating a dead horse, right? I think that the reason for this potential concern stems mainly from the ways in ways in which I feel we are largely represented within American media and pop culture. While it may seem as though White and Black Americans are positioned on antithetical ends of an idyllic racial spectrum, I would argue that in actuality it is Asians who are presented as the polar opposites of their Black counterparts in many respects with Asians as hypo and Black Americans as hyper. Thus while one could potentially make a case for a relationship between a Black man and an Asian woman the ostensibly most masculine with the ostensibly most feminine , a potential relationship between an Asian man and Black woman may seem laughable if not inconceivable. However, upon further interrogation we see how such an assessment is not just problematic, but entirely fallacious. When these stereotypical archetypes are looked at more closely, it becomes easier to observe the inherent contradictions within them and to disqualify them as a result. For example, while Asian men are usually depicted as feminine due to their lack of height, penis size, or assertiveness, they are also stereotyped as capable of taking over the world i. Conversely, Black men are represented as being big, strong and well-endowed but also as lazy, and incapable of providing for the family. Black women, while portrayed as masculine for being tall, loud, and aggressive at the same time are depicted as super matriarchs, caring for the house and family even when faced with seemingly impossible odds. Thus, when we try to reconcile the obvious contradictions observed between not just the stereotypes associated with both groups but more importantly the MEANINGS ascribed to those stereotypes, it becomes clear that they are more or less illusory. Assuming that even half of the stereotypes I invoked earlier were true, I contend that the far more salient point would be that nothing of value would be gained for members of either group in comparison to the benefit gained by members of the White mainstream. If we consider the stereotypes which in my opinion are not just contradictory within groups but also across them , one cannot help but notice that Whites are positioned conveniently in the middle and as such are upheld as the norm. Thus, the femininity and masculinity connoted by these portrayals and any potential benefit that one may hope to glean from their perpetuation are nonetheless a perversion of the same qualities observed within the White mainstream. I apologize for veering off-course a bit, but I feel these issues are necessary when trying to qualify my response to your initial question. No matter what, we are nonetheless socialized to acknowledge many of these stereotypes while growing up and in our everyday lives. What is more, we may even internalize them as inherent truths not just for ourselves but also for those of other groups as well. Thus, Black American women may feel that Asian men are not sufficiently masculine for them or perhaps that they might be viewed as insufficiently feminine when compared to their Asian counterparts. In regards to this potential pitfall, I can only say that Black women will never know until they try and vice versa for Asian men of course. This brings me to my final and most important point which is that Black women should not rule out Asian men any more than they would any other kind of guy. For instance, I am a Korean adoptee who grew up in upstate NY. Furthermore, my views and opinions will not only likely contrast with those of other Asian ethnic groups but also with other Korean adoptees from upstate NY haha. It would be pretty arrogant of me to assume otherwise I feel. I think that we as individuals owe it to ourselves to keep our minds open, to try to understand the root of our own ignorance, and see the humanity in all whom we make contact. In summation, the best advice I would give to Black women who are considering whether to explore dating Asian men would be the same advice I would give anyone who is thinking of dating in general. It is far more important to know yourself as an individual e. If you have any questions, comments, disagreements, or would like me to clarify anything, please feel free to contact me. Thank you again for all of your work. I wish you the very best in your future endeavors! Sincerely yours, Tim Thank you Tim for your perspective in this Topic. I have always been attracted to Asian me. The expressions on my friends face are priceless after finding this out. They often ask why…my answer…they are controlled, hardworkers, mentally strong. And they have always been kind to me. I was joking to my mom the other day…. I told her if I were lost and looking for direction, I would prob ask an Asian men first :-. But I am different — I match to the sound of my own drum. Love does not care if your boo Thang is black or white or purple. Attraction does not care if your boo Thang is black or white or purple. The only ones that care who your boo Thang is are people with prejudice against a particular race or people against happiness. Each relationship will have their own set of challenges and it is ultimately up to the two individuals in that relationship to stick it out and be committed to each other. There will be supportive people and unsupportive people everywhere all the time. Life is TOO short to worry about dating asian men and fearing rejection. Like Tim said black women should date asian men just like any other men. I will happily oblige his request :D. I also remember a VH1 series about race 10+ years ago and there was a segment specifically about the least coupled people in the U. That series was so interesting. The IR numbers are increasing in the U. But, I would almost encourage black women to go where the getting is good and maybe forgo this group of men? I learned a while back that if a man is interested, no amount of shyness will prevent a chat or encounter, you know what I mean? On the other hand, this blog does get some traffic from Asian men. I went to Japan this past April and there were very attractive men all over. They were in suits on a Saturday! Not every black woman finds the machismo that is associated with black men attractive. He was consistently on her FB page giving her likes. The school where I teach sat behind her high school. He was very sweet, kind, thoughtful, and protective of her. I very much like how he treated her. Alas, she was only interested in being friends, and once she left public high school after her 9th grade year, the friendship went by the wayside. I know that my future son-in-law is not going to be a bm and quite honestly, I am quite pleased about that. Black boys have treated my daughter badly since she was in pre-school. She has been hit, kicked, punched, cursed, and bullied by them. She has been friendly with them if they were friendly to her, but that has been the extent of it. I have spoken with her about properly vetting any guy who approaches her about a dating relationship, and to carefully listen, he will certainly reveal who he authentically is. I also told her not to be afraid to ask the hard questions so she can know what he believes about things that are important to her to have from a man in a relationship. The elementary school where I teach sat behind her high school. He was very sweet, kind, thoughtful, and protective of her. I very much like how he treated her. Alas, she was only interested in being friends, and once she left public high school after her 9th grade year, the friendship went by the wayside. I know that my future son-in-law is not going to be a bm and quite honestly, I am quite pleased about that. Black boys have treated my daughter badly since she was in pre-school. She has been hit, kicked, punched, cursed, and bullied by them. She has been friendly with them if they were friendly to her, but that has been the extent of it. I have spoken with her about properly vetting any guy who approaches her about a dating relationship, and to carefully listen, he will certainly reveal who he authentically is. I also told her not to be afraid to ask the hard questions so she can know what he believes about things that are important to her to have from a man in a relationship. I enjoyed reading this article. This guy is very well spoken and intelligent. He addressed a lot of the concerns that I would have about my daughter being in a serious dating relationship with an Asian guy. I wish him well. There were black, white, Asian, and Indian Jamaicans!! There were all colors of couples dancing and having a great time to reggae music!! It blew my mind when I heard an Asian guy speaking with the accent of an Islander. It was beautiful to me then, and remains one of my fondest memory to this day, how diverse people were getting along without any racial tension. It may be a matter of location. I live in South Florida. I may be wrong. Cultural expectations and attitudes were too much for me to deal with. I now prefer to date Americans— only Americans. Not even Caribbean men— to much for me. Culture, in my opinion, is a much greater divide than race. My experiences were more than exhausting with both Indian and Middle Eastern men. Lol I live in Ft. Eastern Europeans are very different. I dated a Turkish guy who was raised Muslim. He also had, what I later learned, a typical Turkish male personality. He was so full of himself. Turkish mothers control the lives of their sons. She seems very happy with her and he appears to be a sweetheart. There are several other ethnic groups present beyond the primary three of Indian, Blacks, Whites. Eric Williams as a starter for folks who want to delve into some of the history. For instance one island I have zero interest in ever returning to is Martinique. Black women get blog posts about keeping their options open. I notice other women get action, black women get words and hopes and dreams. But I flip that whenever I have time. Currently talking to an eastern European who approached me out the blue in a diverse area. Find meet ups and spots in your city where foreign men congregate. Something is in the subconscious messaging in this country. Your womanhood is rejected by those that are not for you. When the right time presents itself you will know. You being classy, well-traveled, educated with hobbies should be for your joy and self-discovery. You may meet a compatible partner while doing something you have yet to discover or need. Life can be mysterious like that. You see, you have to love yourself and fix your inside before you get involved with anybody. You have to learn to love yourself. Look at the women in this forum here. These women manage to find non-black husbands with no problem, and THEY ARE FROM AMERICA! You are what you attract. So before you start dating whether in America or abroad, you have to work with your inward person, your emotions. I am an African American woman married to an Asian man. When we first met I could tell he was into me right away. I expressed my fear that his family would not approve of me. Over and over he told me they would. In the first week of dating I met his family. He wanted to put my fears to bed. Everyone loved me and treated me well. Two months later he asked me to married him. Less than six months we were husband and wife. One thing I learned was that our cultures were almost the same which was crazy. We had the same ideas and cultural values from the way we were raised. I love my husband. He and our children are my world. I feel blessed he is mine! We have been together since I was 18, 11 years ago. The point I always make to women is be open to love. I never throught my husband would be Asian. To be honest I was not sure who I would marry. I have had lots of Asian men try and talk to me. The important things like values and shared interest are far more important anything else. I hope writing is your chosen profession. Feed back from Asian men are quiet hard to find. My reason being is I realized that values wise Asian people and Black people have more in common than not. Family values, driven by faith even if the choice of faith may vary and the fact marriage, or chosen mates are complementary additions to our family units, so we look for the most part to date or marry people that get along with our family and understand the closeness. I found in my research, Asian men had all the qualities I was looking for in a good partner period. I hoped by writing book in regards to my feelings on the subject matter more Black women would see Asian men in a more romantic light instead of being stereotyped like we as Black women often are in the field of romantic partnerships. Thank you gain and thank you Christelyn for giving us this forum to discover our sameness instead of our differences. As a single black woman in my 40s I find the dating scene to be especially tough, particularly for women like myself. While I am more optimistic when it comes to younger generations, I do worry that black women will continue to be the least desirable in a society that is evolving into multiculturalism….
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